He had his Central Venous Catheter removed and two lines from his feet. But I totally failed him. They always tell you to leave, and I knew I wasn't strong enough to watch another procedure, another session of pain & panic. They brought child life in to distract him while I left. I didn't want to watch him suffer more. When I came back, it was obvious that it was awful- he was covered in sweat, hair soaking wet, and blood leaking from one of his IVs in his feet. And he looks at me, saying through his plow- "don't leave me." Mommy fail. My heart is broken that I left and he needed me. He says he has forgiven me, and now just wants to sleep on my shoulder & snuggle.
This whole situation may be filled with grace, but it is also filled with hundreds of decisions that I don't know the right answer to. No one prepares a parent for this journey-one of hardship, suffering, constant decision-making, faith that God will see us through, trust in every person who cares for him, and heart ache for all he has to endure. And I made the wrong choice today. One I will not make again.
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