My spirits are down today. My prayers were not answered once again, and Lincoln's INR level went down, so instead of coming off of the Hepriln like I had hoped, they upped it. And the night nurse couldn't get him to take his bottle, so she put in a feeding tube, but never called me to let me know. Anyone that knows me can guess my reaction to that :) So I feel like we have taken two giant steps backward and I am beyond frustrated. The speech therapists keep coming by to watch him nurse and help with bottle feedings. I don't understand why he ate better with bottle feedings in heart failure than now, but I am trying to be patient with them and let them do their job.
Today has been rough emotionally. I am sad that my boys are getting the Christmas tree without me today. I am tired of living in a hospital room, never seeing daylight except through the hospital room window. I am angry that we have to go through this. I miss my boys more than I ever imagined. Mommy guilt is making me crazy- I feel like a bad mom no matter where I am. It sucks.
Two weeks ago, I was so fearful of the unknown. Two weeks later, I am snuggling with my sweet boy and his healthy heart. And he smiles, coos, and wants to be in my arms again. We have made progress, just much slower and more difficult than I ever imagined. I just want to bring Lincoln home.